This has been a challenging year for me. In August I wrote how regular exercise and movement can help people dealing with loss.  My post was prompted by my own struggles.  Since I was in the middle of a training cycle for both a half and a full marathon, I was able to keep moving.  In September I found it increasingly difficult to get my training miles in.  A non-running-related injury interrupted my training schedule.  I realized it would be in my best interests to withdraw from the marathon.  Although I have pushed myself through injuries in the past, it didn’t seem like a good idea this time.  Fortunately I was able to transfer my marathon bib to another runner who was grateful for the opportunity to run the race.  I focused my attention on preparing for the half marathon in Copenhagen (my substitute race for missing the Paris Marathon in April).  I found myself dreading every training run.  They seemed more like work than something I enjoyed doing.  I had no running partners anymore to share the miles.  It was lonely out there on the trails and the heat was exacerbating my TM symptoms.  That expression “my sport is other sports’ punishment” came to mind.  My sport was becoming punishment for me.  But I am happy that the year is ending on a positive note.

During the race in Copenhagen, I listened to music, a first for me but it helped me stay focused when my injury flared up as I ran.  When the One Republic song “I Lived” popped up, I listened to the words.  They were my story.  Yeah I developed TM but it became a motivator for me.  TM became an incentive for me to start living my life as fully as I could.  And I did it through running.  Running in all 50 States, on five continents, in over 9 countries, and completing the 6 World Marathon Majors plus other adventures I never even planned on – completing the Grand Canyon Rim-to-Rim and walking the Portuguese Camino.  At that point I knew I could walk away from the training cycle metronome I had been on for over 16 years.  I had done everything I set out to run.  It was time to find new adventure somewhere else.

I had been going to physical therapy for my shoulder (remember my 2014 fall that resulted in a broken arm and no Berlin Marathon?).  My physical therapist, Katharine, is someone I admire for her self-confidence and her amazing intellect (a polyglot too!).  We had stimulating conversations as she worked my arm.  We shared stories about our college days, career decisions, book recommendations, and life goals.  One day as Katharine cranked on my arm, I mentioned all the things I wished I had done in my younger years, such as learn to tap dance or sail, or have a horse.  Katharine paused and said very matter of factly “you still can do any of those things.”  Her comment made me realize the only thing holding me back from any new adventure was me and any fear I had of failing.  I was in control and could choose my next adventure.

Fate, the universe, chance, whatever took over from there.  The next day I met a horse, Rocky, a retired show jumper who would be leased out for the winter while his owners were off competing.  I didn’t hesitate.  I told them I wanted to lease him. The deal was done.  Rocky and I will be on a new adventure together as we navigate the coming months.  Neither one of us knows what we will do or where we will go.  We will be learning from each other along the way.  Lest you think riding involves just the horse’s movement, let me tell you it is a workout.  When I ride, I have to work on my balance, use my core and leg muscles.  I have a better appreciation for the skilled 3-Day eventers I see during cross country competitions. They are real athletes. Plus I will be learning all sorts of new things about horses including how they view and process the world around them.  I have moments of sheer joy of living a dream that are eclipsed by others of sheer terror – what have I done? I know nothing about horses and horse care.  But I know I will never know anything about these magnificent animals unless I give it a chance.  

If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.

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Will I still run? Probably but not to the degree I have been doing.  I find I have to keep active to stave off some of the more annoying TM symptoms.  Running does this body good.  It just won’t be taking up all my free time.  Rocky will be. 

Everyone has dreams and goals, perhaps they are working on them or maybe they are like me, just talking about them with “I wish I had … “ I encourage you to take that first step, to see where it goes, and not let fear of failure hold you back.  As you map out your goals for the next year, maybe pick one of those deep seated ones (I wanted a horse for over 46 years!) and make it happen.  The only thing holding you back might just be you.