Thanksgiving is here, a holiday I would normally start celebrating with a Turkey Trot 5K.  But this year is a bit somber.  In my June post “Time is All We Have” I wrote about my running buddy, Jane, who was very ill.  Sadly my friend lost her life a few months later.  Normally Jane would be heading with me to the start line of the Turkey Trot.  Not this year.  Her death hit me harder than I expected and I have been struggling to move forward.

I have been following Ryan Holliday on Instagram (@dailystoic) who writes about stoicism.  Stoicism is a school of philosophy that originated in ancient Greece and Rome.  Stoicism teaches us how to live a virtuous life by practicing things like moderation, wisdom, courage, and controlling our emotions that can be destructive.  I get a daily email from Ryan with little lessons in stoicism, small tidbits I can mull over each day.  In a recent email Ryan wrote that bad things happen to everyone.  Ryan pointed out that it’s not whether things like the death of a dear friend hurt. “It’s about whether you keep going, whether you can do it with a broken heart.”  Ryan nailed what I was struggling to deal with.  My heart was broken.

Katie Duncan is a nurse practitioner and end of life coach who shares advice on, among other things, dealing with grief.  Katie says you have to find a way to deal with your feelings of grief.  One way to do that, according to Katie, is to move your body.  Jane was my running buddy.  I decided that I should run a half marathon in her honor.  

I contacted my running coach to get me back in running shape.  She mapped out a plan for a November race and I went to work.  But I couldn’t run.  Every time I laced up my Sauconys to go for a run, it was as if my feet wouldn’t move.  I felt something was missing.  It was Jane.  Nobody was pulling me down a side street to catch a sunrise.  Nobody was listening to my normal chatter during a run.  For the first time I was running by myself and it was lonely.  There was no joy without Jane.  My heart was broken and I couldn’t keep moving.

I was stunned by how deeply Jane’s death had hit me. I realized I wasn’t going to be able to run for Jane.  I thought about things Jane liked to do.  Jane loved to hike. I decided I should try to hike for Jane instead.  I went back to my running coach.  Coach Jenny listened to me and understood immediately I needed her support.  She has worked with other clients to take on massive goals like climbing mountains and hiking around Mont Blanc.  She pivoted my training plan from having a goal of running a half marathon to training to do a big hike next year in Spain or Japan, things Jane and I talked about doing one day.  

With my new training plan in place I started hiking three times a week.  I am hiking using my hiking poles, wearing my backpack loaded with a six-pound notebook.  I hike 1-2 hours each time.  For some hikes I head to spots Jane liked to visit.  They were places she and I hiked when I was training to do the Rim-to-Rim in the Grand Canyon.  Places I had fond memories of being with Jane. Immediately I felt like I was back on track. I was where I was meant to be.  More importantly I felt at peace.

I credit Ryan who reminded me I needed to keep going though my heart was broken.  I also thank Katie who encouraged me to stay active and keep moving to help me deal with my grief.  As Ryan wrote in his email, “life doesn’t go easy on any of us.”  We just need to find a way to keep going.

If you are interested in learning more about stoicism, subscribe to the daily stoic email (dailystoic.com/email).  You will learn about ancient wisdom on daily life from Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus and others.  Surprisingly life’s problems haven’t really changed much from the 3rd century BC.